The Starfish Project

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Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men (Jokes)

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wrappinga-giftThis is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men — Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb — went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, “presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.”

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: “And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, ‘Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!’ And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense.”

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

  1. They were wise.
  2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is “if it’s such a poor gift that I don’t want to be there when the person opens it.” The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. “No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,” Gene said. “They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.”

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh’s body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:

  • Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it’s myrrh. 
  • The editors of Woman’s Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you’re giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
    YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
    YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
    YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
    YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
    YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
    YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Written by Dave Barry.

Source:  The Good Clean Funnies List

Written by Tracey

November 10, 2008 at 12:28 am

Mammogram Humor (Jokes)

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Mom,

I hope you think these are funny.  I laughed.  Let’s keep in mind that there is a better option to the traditional mammogram – thermography – which is much safer for women than mammograms are.

 

mammogram

free_mammogram

Pretty good Halloween costume, huh?  I thought this was pretty funny.

manogram

Written by Tracey

November 8, 2008 at 4:55 am

Posted in Humour

Tagged with , ,

Humor is Survival Training for Battling Cancer

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“Laughter in and of itself cannot cure cancer nor prevent cancer, but laughter as part of the full range of positive emotions including hope, love, faith, strong will to live, determination and purpose, can be a significant and indispensable aspect of the total fight for recovery.”
-Harold H. Benjamin, PhD

In last month’s column, we discussed research in psychoneuroimmunology which suggested that one’s emotional state influences the body’s biochemistry in a manner that can either promote good health, or interfere with it. But is there any evidence that emotions can actually have an impact on survival? Can a persistent positive or negative frame of mind as you battle your cancer influence whether you live or die? If so, this provides all the motivation you need to begin making an effort to develop skills which help you manage your mood on a day-to-day basis.

Several studies have shown that a positive attitude or emotional state can boost your chances of surviving cancer. In one study, among patients with metastatic (spreading) cancers, those who expressed greater hope at the time of their diagnosis survived longer. In another study, over 400 reports of spontaneous remission of cancer were reviewed and analyzed. The patients themselves attributed their cure to a broad range of causes, but only one factor was common to all the cases — a shift toward greater hope and a positive attitude.

One clinician traced unexpected tumor shrinkage to favorable changes in the psychosocial situation of the patient. Examples of such changes include “a sudden fortunate marriage; the experience of having one’s entire order of clergy engage in an intercessory prayer; sudden, lasting reconciliation with a long-hated mother; unexpected and enthusiastic praise and encouragement from an expert in one’s field; and the fortunate death of a decompensated alcoholic and addicted husband who stood in the way of a satisfying career.”

The late Norman Cousins described a national survey of oncologists (completed during his stay at the UCLA Medical School) in his last book, Head First: The Biology of Hope. Of the 649 who offered their opinions on the importance of various psychological factors in fighting cancer, “More than 90% of the physicians said they attached the highest value to the attitudes of hope and optimism.”

All of this research is consistent with the findings of a recent study showing that method actors asked to generate the emotion of joy within themselves showed an increase in the number of natural killer cells circulating in the blood stream within 20 minutes. (Remember, a key role of natural killer cells is to seek out and destroy tumor cells throughout your body.) Once they got themselves out of this positive state, their levels of natural killer cells quickly dropped again.

Joy, of course, is the emotion we experience during humor and laughter. So these findings are also consistent with the findings discussed in an earlier Humor Your Tumor article (see the April, 1998 column) showing that watching a humorous video increases the number of, and activity of, natural killer cells.

There have always been doctors who have emphasized the importance of a “will to live” in fighting serious diseases. Most recently, this banner has been carried nobly by Dr. Bernie Siegel. He emphasizes the importance of hope, determination, optimism and a “fighting spirit” among patients who are battling cancer.

Evidence of the importance of a fighting spirit was obtained in another study of cancer survivors. Cancer patients with a fighting spirit were most likely to be long-term survivors, and have no relapses. Short-term survivors were more likely to show a “stoic, stiff upper lip attitude,” and to continue their lives either as if nothing were different, or with a sense of helplessness or hopelessness.

The question, of course, is how to you go about generating or sustaining hope, optimism, determination and a fighting spirit if these are not qualities you’ve shown throughout your life. Love and your own spirituality are important sources of this hopeful and optimistic attitude. Another source is your sense of humor. It is no coincidence that so many cancer survivors credit their sense of humor for getting them through their ordeal. Humor helps overcome and work through the trials of each day, and when you find a way of laughing in the midst of your problems, you automatically shift toward a frame of mind that invites a hopeful outlook and a conviction that you can beat this disease.

So make it your goal to learn to find something to laugh at every day, and to take yourself a little less seriously, as you continue to take your illness and your treatments very seriously.

[Adapted from Dr. McGhee’s book, Health, Healing and the Amuse System: Humor as Survival Training.

Source:  Healing Cancer Naturally

Written by Tracey

October 28, 2008 at 5:12 am

The “We” Nurse (Joke)

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“There ain’t much fun in medicine, but there’s a heck of a lot of medicine in fun.”
                    John Billings

=====================
 
“When I was in the hospital, I had a “We” nurse.  She began each sentence with “How are we today?”  “We need to have a bath.” 

This really irritated me, so I decided to play a little joke on her.
 
One day, she brought in a specimen cup and requested a urine sample.  After she left, I poured my apple juice into the cup.  Then she returned for the specimen, she observed it and noted, “My, we’re a little cloudy today, aren’t we?”
 
I asked to see it, removed the lid and said, “Yep, better run it through again” and drank it.  The look of shock on her face was priceless.”
 
                                Norman Cousins

Written by Tracey

October 27, 2008 at 2:02 am

Posted in Humour

Tagged with , ,

starfish dance

with 3 comments

This video made me think of you. I sorta thought that the bird was cancer and you are the starfish.

Nick

Written by nick4071

September 17, 2008 at 4:07 am

Posted in Humour

Tagged with ,

Bungee Anyone?

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Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day.  Alice says to Frank, ‘You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico.’   Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.  

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.  As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.  Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.   When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.  

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.  Unfortunately, Frank isn’t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again.   This time, she is bruised and bleeding.  Again, Frank misses her.  Alice falls again and bounces back up.  This time, she comes back pretty messed up — she’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.   Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, ‘What happened?  Was the cord too long?’   Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, ‘No, the Bungee cord was fine .. it was the crowd! …What the HELL is a piñata?!’

Written by thegretchen

September 14, 2008 at 6:03 pm

Posted in Humour

Another Blonde Joke

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the  mechanic it died.  

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 

She says, ‘What’s the story?’ 

He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor.’  

She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

Written by thegretchen

September 14, 2008 at 5:56 pm

Posted in Humour